Thursday, October 3

Fear, you can NOT control me!

I am following a blog post called 31 Days of Less & More, from Living Well, Spending Less and Life in Grace.  It is two separate blogs, one is 31 days of getting rid of stuff and one is 31 days of adding something into your life.  So far, day 2 has been a huge thought process for me, and I felt like writing things down for my self, and for the 2 of you who might actually read this, you should check it out!

A quote from Living Well, Spending Less:
 "The key to overcoming fear is not to give in, but to acknowledge it and then to do it anyway."

What am I afraid of?  What am I NOT afraid of would be a more realistic question for me right now.  I used to be braver; doing things even though they scared me.  Lately, I have let fear control me, and therefore I freeze.

I don't know if it has been the move or if I have just slowly stopped getting over the fear and doing things anyway, but all I know is this move has been a HUGE struggle for me, and I realize how much fear I have.  (yes, I realize that was the world's longest sentence...) So, I am going to write a list of things I'm afraid of.  That is the first step.  Realize what I am letting control me.

-Having a miscarriage
-Having a baby with health problems
-Not being able to handle 2 kids
-Not being a good mom/wife
-Starting a graphic design job
-Not being good enough to actually have a successful graphic design business
-Not knowing what I have to do/learn to have a successful graphic design business
-Our finances... not having money scares the CRAP out of me...
-My husbands stress level with his job
-Going new places by myself
-Starting something and having people think I'm not good enough/knowing myself I'm not good enough.
-People thinking, 'oh, here's another stupid girl thinking she can do XYZ, when she has no business doing that'
-Meeting people that aren't going to be like my friends whom I miss terribly
-Not having my family around to help me
-Continually being sad
-Not having the energy to do the things for my family like I should
-Not moving past my failures to improve myself
-If the graphic design doesn't work out, going back to teaching
-If I go back to teaching, I'm afraid of putting myself out there... resume writing, the interview process, starting a new job, with new students, with a new administration, not being good enough...
-Not ever reaching my goals
-Not living up to my expectations
-Being self centered/not doing something to help others

Ok, there are a lot of things I'm afraid of.  I could seriously probably continue my list, but for my sanity I need to stop because I'm in tears. I thought I could be a blog writer for money at some point... but I can't!  I write these things for me.  I'm sure no one else has these same or weird fears.  But today, I am being brave.  I am afraid that people will be bored by this or that it's not well enough written to help other people out.  But despite that fear I am going to post to help myself overcome at least one of my minor fears!

So although the post says to list your one fear, tell it it can't control you, then do it despite your fear;   I'm not ready to necessarily do it to all of these.  I am going to try.  I DON'T want fear to control me.  It is a very lonely place to be.  It is hurting my relationship with my son, it is hurting my relationship with my husband, it is hurting me.  I spend way too much time crying over not being adequate, not doing the things I want to do... and it's because of fear!  I want to get back to my adventurous self who did things despite my fear!  I don't know when I changed, or how long it took me to get to this point.  But I am going to start the process back.  It will not be changed over night.  I didn't get here over night. This is me thinking about what life will be if I am courageous again.  I need to be brave for The Mr. and my son, and this new baby!

I will be courageous by:
        * Reminding myself that I am human, and it IS ok to fail!
        * Trying to learn something new every day about Graphic Design so that maybe soon I can get the courage to start, which would start to bring in some money for our family, which would make me feel less scared for a lot of things.
        * Spending time in prayer so that I can learn to leave it at His feet so that I can spend less time worrying and more time loving my family.
        * Doing activities with Hagen even when all I want to do is crawl back into bed!
        * Making dinner again for my family, even though by dinnertime I am thoroughly spent and just want to sit down and put my feet up.

A quote from Life in Grace
"Do we have the courage to become who we really are?"

I hope so.  I hope that I can be courageous to overcome my fears and be the woman my husband married (or better than the woman he married!!).  I hope that I can be courageous to overcome my fears to be the mom that God created me to be and to take care of my beautiful baby boy that God entrusted me with, and to prepare to be a mom to TWO beautiful babies.

I would love someone to help me, challenge me, keep me accountable, push me... whatever words you want to use!  If you read this, please consider helping me get back to my adventurous, fear-facing, courageous woman that I know I can be!  If you have knowledge about starting up your own business, I'd love to hear how to do it!  If you have multiple children, I'd love to hear how you do it!  If you are pregnant and have the energy to still do a full day of activities for a child already, I'd love to hear how you do it!  If I can be reminded that it can be done and that I just need to overcome the fear of failure and be courageous, I can hopefully get back to a state of happiness and contentment with our current situations (as many of you military families know they aren't always ideal!).  Thank you for helping me be a better person!



  1. I am totally down with jumping in here. I know that I don't really "know" you, but you've always been someone I found to be inspirational.

    With Him, you CAN do this. It's going to suck at times, but you can do it. Funny, I can't say "you can do it" without hearing Rob Schnieder...

    Anyhoo, I'll check out the original posts you linked and maybe jump on the wagon. I've been wanting to find something to do for October and was thinking of doing a "quick fixes" for the home messes type series.

    Also, I am going through the same thing right now - letting Him have control. Blargh. Hard stuff, but totally worth it.

    Oh, and you are more than welcome to use my blog as a guinea pig for your design practice. I need a redesign BADLY....

    1. Ok, checked out the challenge post, this looks AWESOME! I'm in!

    2. Good I'm glad you are going to take the challenge! It is really incredible to take the time to think specifically about these challenging topics! And it will be nice to muddle through the emotional stuff and end up being able to get rid of tangible stuff too! And you are right in letting Him have control is HARD! But so worth it in the end! Once I get to that stage of confidence I will talk with you more about designing something that will work with you for your blog! I'm not there yet! I still have stuff to learn, but thanks for the willingness to be a guinea pig! It makes me want to learn even faster!

  2. Husband, kids, business, military moves, messy house, dissipating sanity...I'm right there with you!! I struggle many things that really can be boiled down to fear. The Bible tells us to fear not multiple times and in multiple ways. The only time it tells us our fear is justified is when it is in relation to the God of the universe. I struggled with that concept because I wanted to love God, focus on his grace for me, not be afraid of him. Here is my conclusion...There are two definitions of fear (1) a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc, whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid (2) reverential awe. God tells us to "fear not" because it is paralyzing; it is counter to love; it is the opposite of living in the present reality of grace. He does, however, tell us that a fear of himself is healthy. Imagine standing before the God of the Universe, really imagine it. Take a second, stop reading and really imagine what you would feel standing before the God who hung the stars, created life and all the science behind it, who speaks people into being, who is everywhere at all times, who always was, always will be, who holds time, etc. I'd be shaking, crying, on my knees, probably peeing my pants, but I'd be excited, too! Standing in the presence of the one who created me, who has the power to destroy me, who should destroy me because it is what I deserve, but who chooses to reach down instead, lift up my face and tell me he loves me! Fear and grace in perfect harmony.

    I think what you are doing to overcome your fear is awesome! You are battling Satan and he is a sneaky little devil. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Ephesians 6:12) The awesome news is that God is on your side, so you can't lose! And he is the master at fixing broken and weak things. "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness. So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." (2 Corinthians 12:9).

    "We live by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7), so take a deep breath and jump back into the may fall but will not be utterly cast down for God will uphold you with his hand (Psalm 37:24). I prayed for you this morning that God will shift your perspective off all these earthly things and onto him! That he will help you see life as more of a roller coaster ride than just a series of ups and downs. The excitement is there on the way up and on the way down because you know you will not crash; you will be going up again soon! And so will you!
    Please message me and we can talk sometime if you want to vent or commiserate with me regarding the crazy military life! Erica

    1. WOW! Thanks Erica! You are truly an inspiration! Thankful our lives crossed paths! I like your roller coaster ride analogy. Sometimes it's hard to see it as fun when you just see the ups and downs, but roller coasters are meant to be fun, and that is how I am going to start looking at the downs. (NOt that they will be fun, but it's a part OF the fun!) Thanks so much!

  3. Sweet friend, All your fears are very normal. Very age and situation appropriate. Sorry for how maternal that sounds. You are in the middle of a lot of top 10 life stressors - moving, having a toddler, being pregnant while having a toddler, and living in a terrible economy. So, some small suggestions.

    Use your crock pot. Make dinner in the morning when you have energy.

    Nap when Hagen naps. If he doesn't nap anymore then put the tv on and let him watch an hour in the afternoon while you rest.

    Find a playgroup. Good support for both you and Hagen. You will learn that what you fear is shared by everyone who is pregnant with #2.

    Ding me for a chat when you feel down.

    Don't beat yourself up. You are a great mom and a good wife. It is easy to get bogged down by fatigue and fear. That does not mean that they control you. Just that you are pregnant and tired and hormonal.

    Take your vitamins and eat. Sometimes being hungry when you don't know you are hungry will affect your mood. Don't eat stupid stuff but try having a bit of protein and fruit when you are down.

    This too will all pass. It is normal to be afraid of managing two kids. I would be worried if you were not. BUT you don't have to reinvent the wheel here. Do some reading.

    Be good to yourself.


    1. Thanks for all the great suggestions Susie! I have already started to search out some of your recommendations and I have to tell you it feels great to even think about the possibilities! Thank you!

  4. Bekki, ((HUGS)), and ditto what Susie said above. I had no idea when I became a mom how absolutely, fundamentally my concept of myself and my priorities would change. All the confidence I'd ever had went right out the window when faced with the responsibility of raising kids, and never feeling like I was doing it "right."

    Big YES to the crock pot in the AM.

    Also, as hard as keeping to any schedule with a toddler, is, try scheduling your week and *planning* to give yourself a day off from something and replace it with something that truly brings *you* joy. Even if it is trading 20 minutes of folding clothes for 20 minutes of something indulgent, do something for yourself too ... and don't feel guilty.

    Check out the flylady website ( ... lots of helpful hints there for creating order out of chaos, and being satisifed with baby steps each day....

    Double yes to the playgroup, and/or find a middle-schooler who wants to come over and play with Hagen for an hour after school once a week or whatever, with you there ... just to give you a chance to breathe/catch up/etc..

    Hugs again,

    Sondra Ailinger

    1. P.S. -- We were acquainted at New Hope in Columbia -- it just occurred to me the name might not ring a bell.

      And, get your kleenex out, but save this ...


    2. Thanks Sondra for taking the time to leave such great suggestions! I have started to check out flylady, but I have to wait on the other. I need a break from the tears.. even the good kind! HAHA! I will be planning more crock-pot meals when I get around to FINALLY making a meal plan again! Thanks for the great suggestion!

  5. Girl! Motherhood does that to you. BK (before kids), you are immortal! You are responsible only for yourself, and it is just you in any situation. Someone tries to mug you in the parking just have to take care of you! Adding kids to the equation changes everything! What if your response to a mugger endangers your kid? Can you protect them? What if you are in a boat with 2 kids and it starts to sink? Which one do you save? Etc., Etc., Etc.! (These were always my irrational, worst case scenario fears!) From the moment I knew I was pregnant with my first child, I became mortal and vulnerable. And that fear doesn't go away! Your whole being is about protecting them and never wanting them to be hurt or unhappy or without! But it's also becomes about being the best YOU can be (Supermom!). After Emma was born with a cleft, some of the scariest words anyone ever said to me were "God gave her to you, because He knew you would take care of her!" And there is your key! You are a woman of great faith!You are caring and talented person! And you are definitely not a quitter! So hang in there girl!

    1. HAHA! Thanks Beth for the reminder that I'm not a quitter! I WILL get through this! Your words have definitely helped! So is writing this blog and following these other two bloggers! It is great to know I have such amazing friends who are here to support me even when it's tough!

  6. There will always be something to be afraid of, but just remember that with the support system of your family and friends, no matter what happens, everything will be ok. Good for you for confronting your fears and making an effort to quell them! As far as your graphic design business, if you ever get to the point of needing a website set up, I can totally help with that! I'm always here to help. :)

    1. Oh Dana! Thanks!! I will TOTALLY take you up on that offer when I get there!! Thanks for reminding me it will all be OK!