A quote from Living Well, Spending Less:
"The key to overcoming fear is not to give in, but to acknowledge it and then to do it anyway."
I don't know if it has been the move or if I have just slowly stopped getting over the fear and doing things anyway, but all I know is this move has been a HUGE struggle for me, and I realize how much fear I have. (yes, I realize that was the world's longest sentence...) So, I am going to write a list of things I'm afraid of. That is the first step. Realize what I am letting control me.
-Having a miscarriage
-Having a baby with health problems
-Not being able to handle 2 kids
-Not being a good mom/wife
-Starting a graphic design job
-Not being good enough to actually have a successful graphic design business
-Not knowing what I have to do/learn to have a successful graphic design business
-Our finances... not having money scares the CRAP out of me...
-My husbands stress level with his job
-Going new places by myself
-Starting something and having people think I'm not good enough/knowing myself I'm not good enough.
-People thinking, 'oh, here's another stupid girl thinking she can do XYZ, when she has no business doing that'
-Meeting people that aren't going to be like my friends whom I miss terribly
-Not having my family around to help me
-Continually being sad
-Not having the energy to do the things for my family like I should
-Not moving past my failures to improve myself
-If the graphic design doesn't work out, going back to teaching
-If I go back to teaching, I'm afraid of putting myself out there... resume writing, the interview process, starting a new job, with new students, with a new administration, not being good enough...
-Not ever reaching my goals
-Not living up to my expectations
-Being self centered/not doing something to help others
Ok, there are a lot of things I'm afraid of. I could seriously probably continue my list, but for my sanity I need to stop because I'm in tears. I thought I could be a blog writer for money at some point... but I can't! I write these things for me. I'm sure no one else has these same or weird fears. But today, I am being brave. I am afraid that people will be bored by this or that it's not well enough written to help other people out. But despite that fear I am going to post to help myself overcome at least one of my minor fears!
So although the post says to list your one fear, tell it it can't control you, then do it despite your fear; I'm not ready to necessarily do it to all of these. I am going to try. I DON'T want fear to control me. It is a very lonely place to be. It is hurting my relationship with my son, it is hurting my relationship with my husband, it is hurting me. I spend way too much time crying over not being adequate, not doing the things I want to do... and it's because of fear! I want to get back to my adventurous self who did things despite my fear! I don't know when I changed, or how long it took me to get to this point. But I am going to start the process back. It will not be changed over night. I didn't get here over night. This is me thinking about what life will be if I am courageous again. I need to be brave for The Mr. and my son, and this new baby!
I will be courageous by:
* Reminding myself that I am human, and it IS ok to fail!
* Trying to learn something new every day about Graphic Design so that maybe soon I can get the courage to start, which would start to bring in some money for our family, which would make me feel less scared for a lot of things.
* Spending time in prayer so that I can learn to leave it at His feet so that I can spend less time worrying and more time loving my family.
* Doing activities with Hagen even when all I want to do is crawl back into bed!
* Making dinner again for my family, even though by dinnertime I am thoroughly spent and just want to sit down and put my feet up.
A quote from Life in Grace
"Do we have the courage to become who we really are?"
I hope so. I hope that I can be courageous to overcome my fears and be the woman my husband married (or better than the woman he married!!). I hope that I can be courageous to overcome my fears to be the mom that God created me to be and to take care of my beautiful baby boy that God entrusted me with, and to prepare to be a mom to TWO beautiful babies.
I would love someone to help me, challenge me, keep me accountable, push me... whatever words you want to use! If you read this, please consider helping me get back to my adventurous, fear-facing, courageous woman that I know I can be! If you have knowledge about starting up your own business, I'd love to hear how to do it! If you have multiple children, I'd love to hear how you do it! If you are pregnant and have the energy to still do a full day of activities for a child already, I'd love to hear how you do it! If I can be reminded that it can be done and that I just need to overcome the fear of failure and be courageous, I can hopefully get back to a state of happiness and contentment with our current situations (as many of you military families know they aren't always ideal!). Thank you for helping me be a better person!