Thursday, April 3

crossing off my to-do list

I am home in MN. It has been cold and snowy. I at one point in life was very proud of it being cold, and used to love winter. Now that I'm older, (or after living in the south for a bit) I am no longer a huge fan.

My question for me now is, "With everything I've gone through, and everything I've learned; why is is that now that I'm home I have yet to open my bible?" Now I feel ashamed writing this, but I also have learned this year that I need to be real. I spent a good 45 min. today writing a master TO DO LIST for things to do today, by the weekend, and before I leave for 'HOPEFULLY' Texas in July/August. Sometimes I get so caught up in I have to do this before this can happen. I know I do this a lot with my life. Before I can start running and getting in shape, I have to read tons of articles on running a marathon, make sure I have the right clothes-day dream about them because I don't have the money to actually buy the clothes, find the right foods to eat and the list goes on. Yet after doing all this, I have yet to get around to actually start training for a marathon or even running one! And so, because I haven't done it, I plan for the future. When my life starts, I will have these clothes, I will eat these foods, I will do this, and THEN I will run lots of Marathons. I mean heck, let's talk about my love life! I mean, ask any of my friends and they'll tell you I have my wedding all planned out, my job, my husbands job, my kids names, where were are going to live, what we are going to be active in...(ok, it's not that bad......ok...maybe I need help) but the point is, I day dream about it and feel I have to do this and that before I can let it happen. I need to organize this part of my life before I'm ready to get into a relationship, or I need to know this, or have experience with that. Again the list goes on. I'm the same way with opening my bible. I have to know the Greek roots before I can read the bible, or I need to have a meaningful worship experience to get in the mood to read the bible, or I need to have my room organized and not have that clutter hanging over my head before I can completely focus on the bible, because if I don't, I won't be able to focus on God's words to me because I'll just be thinking about everything I have to do.

You know what it all is: EXCUSES! How will I ever run a marathon if I just don't get out and run. Yeah, maybe today I'll be able to only go 24 minutes, and 20 the next. But isn't that better than sitting around doing NOTHING? Won't it get me that much closer? And how about a relationship. Don't I have to be comfortable with myself and everything I don't have to offer (and of course the things I do have to offer: I think I have lots...) before I'm going to let a guy truly into sharing a life with me? And if these are true, why do I think God is any different? He calls us where we are at. Isn't 5 minutes spent in his word better than none? And really...shouldn't he be my priority? Why do I think I can run a marathon or find a man to share life and love with if I don't have life, love and endurance from the source of it all?

So although I'm not saying I'm going to stop being productive, I'm going to look at the source of why I feel the need to have to cross things off a nice big list. And hopefully I will have the strength to to put something on my list that can never be crossed off: spending time learning about God's infinite love for me!

Friday, January 18

For those of you who are actually reading both blogs, sorry for not updating this in a long time! Things have been crazy. Living in a community and actually being intentional is WAY harder than it sounds. Now I thought, I've lived with roomates, I did the whole college thing, totally easy....I was wrong. I'm learning how to truly love my house mates and how I can best serve them, even when I REALLY don't want to. When really what I want to do is shut myself in my room and know that I'm right, God calls me to be different. To be open, to share my struggles, my fears, my joys. This has not come without a lot of pouting and crying and wanting to be by myself, live on my own, live where all that matters is me. But God calls us to a different life. Bonhoffer(sorry I don't know how to spell his name) in his book, Life Together, has been challenging me. God called us to live in community. Our western world has gotten so far away from the word community, we don't really know what it means anymore. I still don't get it and want to run away from it, but I know there is a reason God created Eve so Adam would not be alone. Prayer, praise, psaltery, breaking bread....TOGETHER....if we really actually learned to live this way, don't you think some of the injustices that I see in this community would be gone? We would not complain that our food isn't cooked to our liking, or didn't come fast enough, because we would see that our brother has none on his plate at all. We would read the Psalms and realize that although we do not feel the deep despair and hurt of war and loss, that our brother is still today in another country. We would want to come home at the end of the day and praise God together and hear what he has been doing in each others lives. I know I wish that I could truly understand this...I still fail. But I'm trying, I'm trying to be intentional. Even the days when I am defiantly NOT trying, I am still trying and learning that God calls us to live a life in communion with one another!

I am starting to think about the upcoming year(I have a Job interview lined up which I am SUPER excited about). I am tempted to be excited about getting back to ME. Live in an apartment by myself, cook food my way, pray the way I want to pray, tell jokes that make me laugh...well yes, none of these things are bad that I desire them, I should want to do all of these things, but it's only half of my whole. I am made to live in community. I hope that I will get to live with my best friends and that we can learn to praise God together, read his word together, eat bread together, and through that we will want to take that out into the world. Where it starts at home, then it will continue to flow through us. This is my hope....

Sorry if these thoughts are jumbled, I just needed to write them down and share with you since I haven't done a very good job! Though, if you do read this you should check out because I do a better job of writing weekly reflections there!